In a dream world, most of us would have jobs that provided unlimited free food, unlimited time off, and zero uncomfortable conversations. Unfortunately, almost everyone in the working world will have to have difficult conversations at some point in their professional lives.
But just keep reading, and I’ll tell you how to take these uncomfortable conversations and make them completely comfortable for everyone involved…
Is something I would say if I were an irresponsible coach (and a liar).
The truth is, a certain amount of discomfort is part of (almost) everybody’s work life. But while we should all expect occasional discomfort at work, there are strategies we can use to make these conversations less uncomfortable and more productive. What strategy is best depends on a number of factors, such as the people involved in the conversation, the workplace environment, and the subject matter of the conversation (asking for a raise might require a different strategy than gracefully quitting).
That said, some strategies are almost always helpful. And one of my favorite strategies–and one of the most useful–is empathetic framing.
What is empathetic framing?
To understand this term, we should start by understanding what framing is (and no, I’m not talking about how to best frame artwork. Though if that’s your interest, Architectural Digest has some great ideas!). In psychology, the “framing” effect refers to the idea that people respond differently to the same ideas if those ideas are presented differently. (If you’re already familiar with “framing,” you can skip down four paragraphs. Or, if you like my writing, you can just keep reading!)
Here’s an example of the framing effect: let’s say there’s a race with four runners in it, and Jesse Owens finishes third. If we say “he got the bronze medal,” it might sound better than saying “he came second to last.” Both statements are true, but the way we frame the information impacts how someone feels about the information.
When it comes to conversations, framing plays a huge role. Using positive framing–e.g., emphasizing positive language and positive traits–often makes listeners more receptive to your message. Negative framing does the opposite.
For example, if you start off a conversation with “I’ve got a problem with the way you…” you’re framing the conversation as a conflict between two people. You’re establishing yourself as an attacker and setting the other person on the defensive.
On the other hand, if you start a conversation with something like, “I’d love to have your help figuring out how to solve this problem…” you’re framing the conversation as a collaborative effort where two people are working together.
So what is empathetic framing?
It’s a term I use to refer to a very specific type of conversation frame. In this particular frame, you orient the conversation around goals/ideas/interests that you know the other person cares about. You use empathy to understand what they want. Then you frame the conversation so that it feels focused on meeting their needs/desires.
For example: let’s say your boss wants you to finish a big project. You want him to stop checking in on your work so frequently.
One way to start the conversation would simply be to say: “I don’t like that you’re checking in on me so frequently.”
Some bosses might respond positively to this. But many bosses might be offended, worried, or defensive. That’s because the frame of this conversation is that it’s a criticism of their management and maybe even of their input.
On the other hand, you could start a conversation like this: “I know you really want this project to succeed, and I do, too. In order to do my best work on it, I feel like I may need to set aside a few hours a day to work offline so that I can really get some deep, focused work done. How would you feel about me turning off my email for x hours on x days?”
In this second opening, the conversation is framed as a collaboration to get an outcome that you know your boss cares about. By framing it around what they care about and what they’re interested in, you increase the chances that they are willing to embrace your idea.
Note: In order for this type of framing to actually work, it should be honest. Lying is often more transparent than we think it is, and can jeopardize trust in future conversations.
Empathetic framing isn’t a magic bullet for tough conversations. There are tons of other strategies. But if you’re looking for a way to have a tough conversation, empathetic framing is a great place to start.
Thanks so much for reading. If you want help with tough conversations at work–or just achieving your work goals in general–feel free to reach out. You can reach out or schedule a free consultation.